I’ve missed posting. I think I miss hearing about everyone too. Last time I wrote, I think it sounded very hopeful. And I still feel that way. However, a few posts back it was very negative and I don’t like that. I don’t apologize because we all have our bad days, and that was one of mine.
I have some good news. I finally know why I have been having so much difficulty with everything, and why I have been so unstable. While the answer could have been better, I’m glad to know that it wasn’t just a matter of strength or dedication. Since I have been home and receiving the medical attention I needed, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
For me, being diagnosed with something of that magnitude is relieving and not frightening. My problems at school, work, and life in general make sense. My life makes sense. I spent so much time wondering why things just wouldn’t work. Why I couldn’t concentrate, why I couldn’t sleep, why I was so organized and able one week, and such a wreck the next week. I thought I had completely lost it. I was close to suicidal at some point. And I felt guilty for feeling that way, because I knew that I have a Lord and Saviour who cares for me and loves me, but I couldn’t control it. I tried to establish routines, to forge relationships with people but everything would fail. Some days life was a rush and I was making plans and living life, while the next, I didn’t even have enough energy to brush my teeth. Read the rest of this entry »
